Never have I ever.

I never knew this would happen. Like, I didn’t expect the unexpected. I keep going back again. Back and forth in my head. I never knew I’d forget. The way your vibe hit me, I fell out of place. Then God threw an obstacle in my way. Pick pocketed by the wind, I put my pay check in my wallet and say, “okay.”

I never knew it could get better. I never knew it could get better before it got worse. Like, I didn’t accept the change. I keep going up and down the list. Who’d’ve knew I be on someone else’s.

Then my mom called to tell me she has good luck.

“Good luck because of me?”

“Good luck because the wind blew in some money when I needed it most.”

Wow. He is such a good ghost. Lip locked in my head with the person of my imaginary dreams. I always knew that with or without you I ‘d be something.

Advertisements

Dragon flies.

We were talking about bugs; how they’re different from us and unique in body form compared to animals, yet similar in that our hearts and brains are in separate places. But what if our hearts and brains were in the same boat? Not only does that rarely happen, I wonder how much harder it would be to love someone. Or how easy it would be to make any decision. “Follow your heart and listen to your mind.”

Hm…

In other words, don’t ignore your conscience and know the meaning behind your heart palpitations. You can’t over think love because it comes and goes. But you can over love yourself, even someone else…As long as they’re in-tune with both voices at once too. I think that’s why are main organs are in separate places: we’d be too stressed to handle all the emotional thought processes that our brain and heart travel through daily, at once.

And what if we could? How much more free, efficient and loving could we fully be as humans? Are we able to center ourselves while surrounded by constant overwhelming streams of consciousness and turn-taking heart break?

…Maybe thats why our future selves have larger heads and brains overall, to connect on a level we can’t reach with our diminished intellectual capacity.

Daily basis.

It feels good knowing there’s nothing to keep track of or constantly have to check. It feels good to not have the urge to want to post, or like, or tweet. My mind is at ease knowing that nothing even matters, because it really doesn’t.

Your mental is what you make it. If you’re all about whats in your phone, not necessarily the phone itself, but what you do on it all day…that’s all you’re gonna think about, that’s all you’re gonna talk about and that’s all you’re’ gonna do. You know how you’re in that deep text message zone when you’re typing? Most of the time you’re losing focus of what is important. Imagine your brain being stuck like that every time you pick up your phone and use your apps because this is pretty much what we’re turning into in our society: conforming, robotic, wanna-be socialites.

I realize the government just wants to control us, track us, distract us from all the bullshit and take back all our (their) money, but what if we all dropped our phones forever. Remember, when you don’t know your history you’re bound to repeat it and a lot of people can’t even recall what it was like before they had a cell phone, or even imagine what is like before there were cell phones at all. Personally I think we all deserve to learn how to do without the most. Without little things for us to do on our phones, without anything to post and somewhere to post it, its kind of boring isn’t it? Has life become that dead without our phones that we can’t have non-technological, sober FUN?

Tune in on social media to find out.

Windy.

Its nice to have the day to yourself and be able to forget it by going to sleep and starting over again. Sundays are the Mondays that people want to have. I’ve never felt so lost or words. Looking out the window, watching trees blow in the window and the sunshine beam onto the parked cars, I realize its only Sunday. Sundays are meant for innocent thoughts and actions. Brain relaxation and re-cooperation for the next week. It doesn’t even feel like the weekend I don’t have weekends anymore, I never knew how much I appreciated a Sunday, or what Sunday stood for. But now I know that today its okay for my mind to wander a lot, to be lost for words. Everyone should have a good Sunday, like a good Friday. Today is not meant to be negative. The sun comes out on Sunday, even though its pouring rain. People forget that Saturday night was last night and Monday morning is tomorrow. Sunday is preparation. As my thoughts flow onto the keyboard I also forget what I want to say as it blows in the wind. The beauty of earth and life on Sunday is so intriguing. Its beautiful to know the day exists for everyone and tomorrow it doesn’t matter because its going to be new.

Instead.

Sadness and happiness co-exist right? So its either one or the other. And its not wrong to feel one, or the other.

Instead of focusing on my notifications on apps and work, I started to pay more attention to my insides. I started to learn about my feelings and that they’re normal. Its okay to let it out and embrace being myself, instead of constantly trying to control and change it. What ever happens, happens. Instead of my conscience talking at me and making me feel weak like I needed to learn how to get over things faster…I was able to make myself relax and tell myself its alright to feel the way that I do and its not my fault. I’m not against myself anymore. When things don’t go the right, or “planned” way, it seems like things would get even more blurry from my point of view. I couldn’t see the light in those things. I always focused on how or what I couldn’t see instead of what was visible and how I felt about it. I teaching myself to breathe and accept all the change because nothing can ever be the same as it was last time and nothing is perfect.

Neither am I. I don’t distract myself to avoid it all anymore, I acknowledged my thoughts and practice letting go of them mentally instead of just emotionally pushing them away, “Don’t worry Jasmine, it’ll be okay.”

One more thing.

I always over think. Overtime, I learned that my thoughts lead to my actions. I tend to over react. Most of the processes I go through are streams of consciousness which is even more difficult to deal. That means that I over think and over react about nothing, but me. Even if there is “something,” that triggers my mind, that original thought leads onto internal tangents that more than likely cause powerful migraines before I even finish my conclusion. And as my brain energy decreases and my heart stops racing I’m suddenly stuck-


trying to remember what the hell I was doing. At work. at school. And at home. Some times I feel like a snail who’s actually scared of their own inside voice. Anytime I rub myself the wrong way I hide from the constant interpersonal criticism until my conscience shuts up. I can only come out my shell once I’ve centered myself and that can take minutes, to hours, to days. I plan to become a slug someday with nowhere and no need to hide. Then, I will be worthy of the open mind I do have and I won’t use it against my own abilities to be consciously happy.

“When she’s gone, don’t cry.”

My grandmother is in the hospital, again, and she most likely has to get surgery after her infection heals. Don’t you think I care? Don’t you think I’ve been worried, crying and trying not to stress myself out about getting to the hospital to see her. I feel guilty because I know most of the time over the past few days she’s been alone and its my obligation to be there, especially when no one else is. I should’ve rode my bike there. But what about getting work and sleep? I’m bogus. I should’ve went to see her last night and I should be there now. She would’ve got me to eat breakfast. All I drank was coffee. Something to keep my thoughts strong enough to eat me alive. I’m sorry. I do appreciate you when I’m with you and always when I’m not.  I’m not ready for a “see you later,” but of course I’m going to cry if I can’t even think straight when you’re alright… When I can’t love you in person. You’re all I’ve been thinking of and you’re all I’ll ever think of after this.