Just when I think I’ve swam to the surface, I get sunk in. I miss you. I wish you could walk in and surprise me at my job right now. I miss your smile. I just want to keep crying now and I don’t know what to do about it. Do it I let it out and let myself sulk… or do I hold it in and act like it isn’t real… because it ins’t. Is it? I wish I could talk to someone. But no one really cares. No one knows… the love I have for you. I feel empty. Even more so now that I can’t rely on another “friend” to distract me fro the fact that my only friend isn’t around. Why do I think like this and act as thought I’m never going to see you again? I guess I know how he feels, that his mother won’t try to talk to him… but she loves him. And that’s why she cant do it. It almost feels like I don’t have a mom. But, unfortunately I don’t have my priorities together as much I think I do. I don’t really know what I’m going to do. But I’m trying to be the one that you can be proud of.
I definitely feel myself drowning. In knowledge, in pain, in stress in sudden relief. Its all a blur though and turns to nothing in my head when compared to my worries and insecurities. I can hear everything I’m doing wrong even when I’m doing right. I couldn’t control my temper enough…I’m not happy ENOUGH. I feel like I pushed my grandmother away maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to live with me anymore, but that’s just me believing she doesn’t like me… then she said when I get my own place, “maybe you’ll want yo be home more.” It hurt because that’s not it. Its not that I didn’t want to be home I just had no job and so I was bored by the time she came home I wanted to leave or I was gone. It wasn’t about her. It’s about me now. Adulting and trying to find a place to live. Trying to budget. Trying to finish school…but I still feel like I’m not doing anything right. I wanted job to work on myself and then everything came so fast that now I have to live myself-what I’ve created. This beautifully confused, scared girl… who has nothing to her name, but college debt. Sometimes when people smile and say hi to me I just want to reach out and hug them…Maybe if I hug enough people my heart will feel less achy. Maybe if I spread more love I’ll feel it. I’ve been trying my hardest and I know ME trying is enough to accomplish great things. I’ve been seeing so many flowers lately, I love flowers… it seems like they’re trying to tell me something. Something like “its okay” or keep crying and releasing your negative energies so we can absorb you and return that energy to the sun so she can give it right back to you, in light. May flowers have arrived.