I hate constant questioning. I understand people need to know more detail than provided sometimes. But, honestly, unless its absolutely necessary I prefer not to be asked nor tell. Its too much. Not only is it annoying. It makes me not want to answer anymore. I don’t like answering questions about anything really. Especially when I just woke up OR its an older adult trying to judge my life. Like, unless someone died, you’re my mom/significant other or we’re in class I don’t understand what else you need to know. At work when people ask random specific questions its like… how the fuck do I know.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
My daily horoscope agrees. Lately I’ve been nervous and busy in my head lately. I blame PMS, but it could also be something in the air. I wish I could express my random depressed feelings when they come up. But, they’re usually cured or distracted with food and sweets. At work I’ve been constantly finding things to o to keep myself busy. Cleaning, organizing, so that I don’t get irritated. From 12 to 2 the time blows by. From 2 to 5 I want to scream. I’ve been watching a movie on my phone. I’ve memorized all the lyrics to the songs that play on 101.9 and 103.5. At first I couldn’t figure out the password to login into the computer and I didn’t know if I could type this up. I have to find my stamps to send my tax forms because I really don’t want to by more when I had like 10 fresh ones.
I miss my girlfriend and my mom. More importantly, I miss my dad because I haven’t spoke to him or seen him in a while and I don’t want him to feel forgotten or like don’t care about him. Just like I don’t want my best friend to feel used by me. Emotions have been flying lately like I said. I realized what I have to do vs. what I want vs. what I should do. The right thing. Inevitably things will always change. Things will never go to the way please and I can’t control that. I only control what makes me happy and sad. And right now, I would just like something good to eat but I refuse to go for break. I guess that’s not really putting my happiness first. I have to submit timesheet for this week and I should’ve sent those transcripts a long time ago (earlier in the week).
I never have a problem speaking my mind. I mean, as nicely as possible and of course the occasional swearing. I think my problem is not knowing when to stop being real. I can’t be a fake to your face. Being as genuine and sometimes harsh, isn’t easy for the opposing side to hear because most people can’t handle the truth. Most people can’t because it burns. If the cost of not lying is a bunch of bullshit then I must be super shitty. No one likes my mouth. I’m not going to be the person who gave your the wrong advice or just told you what you wanted to hear. I’m going to tell you what you need to know. You cannot hold back, or it will come out at the wrong time. Better to say it as you think it, rather than keep it as you suppress it. If you don’t have anything nice to say I guess you’re not supposed to say anything at all. But unfortunately you can’t always be too nice and if you say something that is the opposite of positive, it better be valuable and not just ignorant. Be real, be smooth. Be you.
You’re literally the only thing on my mind and its sick. I don’t remember how or when I became addicted, but I know with you, because of you, I’m always pretty lifted. Please. Give me a reason why I should trust you after this: you have me so in love with you I feel like this is it. And I’m scared shitless. I can’t replace you, no one fits in your spot. So salty, so savory, so similar. We’re like potato chips and tater tots. I probably care more than I should, but like I said… I need some Vicks. So close. Your heart gave me an uncommon cold. I can’t be at work sick. Sorry, I just can’t fold.
Its almost like…
I enjoy to suffocate, you take my breathe away.
I never knew this would happen. Like, I didn’t expect the unexpected. I keep going back again. Back and forth in my head. I never knew I’d forget. The way your vibe hit me, I fell out of place. Then God threw an obstacle in my way. Pick pocketed by the wind, I put my pay check in my wallet and say, “okay.”
I never knew it could get better. I never knew it could get better before it got worse. Like, I didn’t accept the change. I keep going up and down the list. Who’d’ve knew I be on someone else’s.
Then my mom called to tell me she has good luck.
“Good luck because of me?”
“Good luck because the wind blew in some money when I needed it most.”
Wow. He is such a good ghost. Lip locked in my head with the person of my imaginary dreams. I always knew that with or without you I ‘d be something.
We were talking about bugs; how they’re different from us and unique in body form compared to animals, yet similar in that our hearts and brains are in separate places. But what if our hearts and brains were in the same boat? Not only does that rarely happen, I wonder how much harder it would be to love someone. Or how easy it would be to make any decision. “Follow your heart and listen to your mind.”
In other words, don’t ignore your conscience and know the meaning behind your heart palpitations. You can’t over think love because it comes and goes. But you can over love yourself, even someone else…As long as they’re in-tune with both voices at once too. I think that’s why are main organs are in separate places: we’d be too stressed to handle all the emotional thought processes that our brain and heart travel through daily, at once.
And what if we could? How much more free, efficient and loving could we fully be as humans? Are we able to center ourselves while surrounded by constant overwhelming streams of consciousness and turn-taking heart break?
…Maybe thats why our future selves have larger heads and brains overall, to connect on a level we can’t reach with our diminished intellectual capacity.
It feels good knowing there’s nothing to keep track of or constantly have to check. It feels good to not have the urge to want to post, or like, or tweet. My mind is at ease knowing that nothing even matters, because it really doesn’t.
Your mental is what you make it. If you’re all about whats in your phone, not necessarily the phone itself, but what you do on it all day…that’s all you’re gonna think about, that’s all you’re gonna talk about and that’s all you’re’ gonna do. You know how you’re in that deep text message zone when you’re typing? Most of the time you’re losing focus of what is important. Imagine your brain being stuck like that every time you pick up your phone and use your apps because this is pretty much what we’re turning into in our society: conforming, robotic, wanna-be socialites.
I realize the government just wants to control us, track us, distract us from all the bullshit and take back all our (their) money, but what if we all dropped our phones forever. Remember, when you don’t know your history you’re bound to repeat it and a lot of people can’t even recall what it was like before they had a cell phone, or even imagine what is like before there were cell phones at all. Personally I think we all deserve to learn how to do without the most. Without little things for us to do on our phones, without anything to post and somewhere to post it, its kind of boring isn’t it? Has life become that dead without our phones that we can’t have non-technological, sober FUN?
Tune in on social media to find out.