I always over think. Overtime, I learned that my thoughts lead to my actions. I tend to over react. Most of the processes I go through are streams of consciousness which is even more difficult to deal. That means that I over think and over react about nothing, but me. Even if there is “something,” that triggers my mind, that original thought leads onto internal tangents that more than likely cause powerful migraines before I even finish my conclusion. And as my brain energy decreases and my heart stops racing I’m suddenly stuck-
trying to remember what the hell I was doing. At work. at school. And at home. Some times I feel like a snail who’s actually scared of their own inside voice. Anytime I rub myself the wrong way I hide from the constant interpersonal criticism until my conscience shuts up. I can only come out my shell once I’ve centered myself and that can take minutes, to hours, to days. I plan to become a slug someday with nowhere and no need to hide. Then, I will be worthy of the open mind I do have and I won’t use it against my own abilities to be consciously happy.
My grandmother is in the hospital, again, and she most likely has to get surgery after her infection heals. Don’t you think I care? Don’t you think I’ve been worried, crying and trying not to stress myself out about getting to the hospital to see her. I feel guilty because I know most of the time over the past few days she’s been alone and its my obligation to be there, especially when no one else is. I should’ve rode my bike there. But what about getting work and sleep? I’m bogus. I should’ve went to see her last night and I should be there now. She would’ve got me to eat breakfast. All I drank was coffee. Something to keep my thoughts strong enough to eat me alive. I’m sorry. I do appreciate you when I’m with you and always when I’m not. I’m not ready for a “see you later,” but of course I’m going to cry if I can’t even think straight when you’re alright… When I can’t love you in person. You’re all I’ve been thinking of and you’re all I’ll ever think of after this.
Occasionally you come across a pen and paper and you start to write a bunch of crap. I usually throw it out or just scratch it out and quit. It never really occurs to you, or me, that our thoughts and ideas are actually valuable information. Whether it be the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard, or the most fantastic thing, it seems like that piece of whatever you have to share is relevant to the world around us. As long as you’re thinking, you’re alive and your being-ness is irreplaceable on this planet because no one else will have the exact same thoughts as you. At some point they could be similar, similar in conception and time, but that just means you have to spit it out first. Never stop your brain from flowing, you might wanna stop your tongue at some point, but it is good to just speak your mind as well. It is good to set your mind free from contraption because all your words really do is wander unless you open your mouth, or start to type.