Dear Shantae,

Sometimes when I’m alone I think of you and everything stops… I get so lost, so small and so confused. I can’t imagine the idea of you being here, and then realizing you are actually not.

You know how when you think the worst – like someone you love dying? That feeling is very overwhelming …and then it just goes away because they’re still here and you know you still have time with them.

Time, our one true unit of measure…
I wish I had more time to make you laugh. I wish you had more time to laugh at  me. I can’t let myself focus on the thought of you. While all my memories are great with you, it really sucks that they’re done and gone, that we can’t make anymore.

I can feel you. You are everything and everything is you.

I’m sorry.

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April Flowers

Just when I think I’ve swam to the surface, I get sunk in. I miss you. I wish you could walk in and surprise me at my job right now. I miss your smile. I just want to keep crying now and I don’t know what to do about it. Do it I let it out and let myself sulk… or do I hold it in and act like it isn’t real… because it ins’t. Is it? I wish I could talk to someone. But no one really cares. No one knows… the love I have for you. I feel empty. Even more so now that I can’t rely on another “friend” to distract me fro the fact that my only friend isn’t around. Why do I think like this and act as thought I’m never going to see you again? I guess I know how he feels, that his mother won’t try to talk to him… but she loves him. And that’s why she cant do it. It almost feels like I don’t have a mom. But, unfortunately I don’t have my priorities together as much I think I do. I don’t really know what I’m going to do. But I’m trying to be the one that you can be proud of.

April Showers

I definitely feel myself drowning. In knowledge, in pain, in stress in sudden relief. Its all a blur though and turns to nothing in my head when compared to my worries and insecurities. I can hear everything I’m doing wrong even when I’m doing right. I couldn’t control my temper enough…I’m not happy ENOUGH. I feel like I pushed my grandmother away maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to live with me anymore, but that’s just me believing she doesn’t like me… then she said when I get my own place, “maybe you’ll want yo be home more.” It hurt because that’s not it. Its not that I didn’t want to be home I just had no job and so I was bored by the time she came home I wanted to leave or I was gone. It wasn’t about her. It’s about me now. Adulting and trying to find a place to live. Trying to budget. Trying to finish school…but I still feel like I’m not doing anything right. I wanted  job to work on myself and then everything came so fast that now I have to live myself-what I’ve created. This beautifully confused, scared girl… who has nothing to her name, but college debt. Sometimes when people smile and say hi to me I just want to reach out and hug them…Maybe if I hug enough people my heart will feel less achy. Maybe if I spread more love I’ll feel it. I’ve been trying my hardest and I know ME trying is enough to accomplish great things. I’ve been seeing so many flowers lately, I love flowers… it seems like they’re trying to tell me something. Something like “its okay” or keep crying and releasing your negative energies so we can absorb you and return that energy to the sun so she can give it right back to you, in light. May flowers have arrived.

I guess its just Monday.

I hate constant questioning. I understand people need to know more detail than provided sometimes. But, honestly, unless its absolutely necessary I prefer not to be asked nor tell. Its too much. Not only is it annoying. It makes me not want to answer anymore. I don’t like answering questions about anything really. Especially when I just woke up OR its an older adult trying to judge my life. Like, unless someone died, you’re my mom/significant other or we’re in class I don’t understand what else you need to know. At work when people ask random specific questions its like… how the fuck do I know.

LEAVE ME ALONE.

August 16th type of Scorpio

My daily horoscope agrees. Lately I’ve been nervous and busy in my head lately. I blame PMS, but it could also be something in the air. I wish I could express my random depressed feelings when they come up. But, they’re usually cured or distracted with food and sweets. At work I’ve been constantly finding things to o to keep myself busy.  Cleaning, organizing, so that I don’t get irritated. From 12 to 2 the time blows by. From 2 to 5 I want to scream. I’ve been watching a movie on my phone. I’ve memorized all the lyrics to the songs that play on 101.9 and 103.5. At first I couldn’t figure out the password to login into the computer and I didn’t know if I could type this up. I have to find my stamps to send my tax forms because I really don’t want to by more when I had like 10 fresh ones.

I miss my girlfriend and my mom. More importantly, I miss my dad because I haven’t spoke to him or seen him in a while and I don’t want him to feel forgotten or like don’t care about him. Just like I don’t want my best friend to feel used by me. Emotions have been flying lately like I said. I realized what I have to do vs. what I want vs. what I should do. The right thing. Inevitably things will always change. Things will never go to the way  please and I can’t control that. I only control what makes me happy and sad. And right now, I would just like something good to eat but I refuse to go for break. I guess that’s not really putting my happiness first. I have to submit timesheet for this week and I should’ve sent those transcripts a long time ago (earlier in the week).

Take it or leave it.

I never have a problem speaking my mind. I mean, as nicely as possible and of course the occasional swearing. I think my problem is not knowing when to stop being real. I can’t be a fake to your face. Being as genuine and sometimes harsh, isn’t easy for the opposing side to hear because most people can’t handle the truth. Most people can’t because it burns. If the cost of not lying is a bunch of bullshit then I must be super shitty. No one likes my mouth. I’m not going to be the person who gave your the wrong advice or just told you what you wanted to hear. I’m going to tell you what you need to know. You cannot hold back, or it will come out at the wrong time. Better to say it as you think it, rather than keep it as you suppress it. If you don’t have anything nice to say I guess you’re not supposed to say anything at all. But unfortunately you can’t always be too nice and if you say something that is the opposite of positive, it better be valuable and not just ignorant. Be real, be smooth. Be you.

Sodium, um.

You’re literally the only thing on my mind and its sick. I don’t remember how or when I became addicted, but I know with you, because of you, I’m always pretty lifted. Please. Give me a reason why I should trust you after this: you have me so in love with you I feel like this is it. And I’m scared shitless. I can’t replace you, no one fits in your spot. So salty, so savory, so similar. We’re like potato chips and tater tots. I probably care more than I should, but like I said… I need some Vicks. So close. Your heart gave me an uncommon cold. I can’t be at work sick. Sorry, I just can’t fold.

So tight.

Its almost like…

I enjoy to suffocate, you take my breathe away.